WHEN THE KIDS DON’T WANT TO COME HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS. OK, WHEN THE ADULT CHILDREN DON’T WANT TO COME HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

The time has come and you knew it would, but that doesn’t make it any easier. It’s completely understandable that you’d feel disappointed and want your kids to know how much it means to you to have them home.

The best approach is often to communicate openly and honestly. Don’t pretend that it’s okay, if it’s not. Be honest, focusing on your feelings and the tradition, rather than pressuring them.

Try these few steps and approaches. We went to AI and crowd sourced it. So, here’s the norm:

1. Choose the Right Medium

Instead of a quick text or email, consider a method that allows for more nuance and genuine connection:

A Phone or Video Call: This allows them to hear the emotion in your voice and provides a chance for a real conversation, rather than just an exchange of messages.
A Thoughtful Letter or Card: This is a more traditional and heartfelt approach. It shows you put time and care into your message, and they can read it when they are in a quiet, receptive state.

2. Focus on Your Feelings, Not Their Actions

When you talk to them, use “I” statements to express your feelings without making them feel guilty or defensive. This keeps the focus on your emotional connection to the holidays and not on what they are “doing wrong.”

Instead of Saying…	Try Saying…
“You’re breaking my heart by not coming home.”	“I feel a deep sense of sadness when I think about the holidays without you here.”
“It’s disrespectful to the family tradition.”	“I cherish our holiday traditions and they feel less meaningful when we’re not all together.”
“You need to come home.”	“It would mean the absolute world to me if you could find a way to make it work this year.”

3. Emphasize the Why

Remind them what the holidays with them specifically mean to you. This is about shared memories and connection.

Share a Specific Memory: “I was just thinking about the year we all made those terrible gingerbread houses, and it reminded me how much I treasure those silly, imperfect moments we have when we’re all together.”
Talk About Connection: “Honestly, the gifts and the food are secondary. What I truly miss is just having you here, sitting on the couch and catching up face-to-face.”
Connect to Future Generations/Tradition: If they have their own kids, or if they are the eldest, you can mention the role they play. “It’s so important to me that we keep this tradition going. You are a big part of what makes our family holidays feel whole.”

4. Listen to Their Reasons

Once you’ve expressed your feelings, you need to listen to their reasons without judgment. There might be financial constraints, travel stress, obligations with an in-law’s family, or other factors you aren’t aware of.

Try to find out what the actual barrier is: “I understand. Is it the cost of the plane tickets? Or is there something else making it difficult this year?”

5. Explore Alternatives and Compromise

If they still can’t come, try to be flexible and creative to find a way to connect that still honors the season.

Suggest a New Date: Could you celebrate the holiday on a weekend in January instead, when travel is cheaper and stress is lower? “If the actual holiday is too hard, could we schedule our own ‘Family Holiday Day’ the first weekend after the new year?”
Plan a Virtual Connection: Schedule a specific time for a video call where you all make an effort. Maybe you all open a gift “together,” or share a special dessert.
Offer to Meet Them: If travel to you is the issue, could you go to them, or meet in a central location?

By sharing your true feelings—the sadness, the joy of the memories, and the longing for connection—you’re being honest about what you’re experiencing. You’re giving them a chance to fully understand the impact of their decision, while also leaving the door open for compromise.

And look to them for their understanding and ask them why they do not want to come home. Talk it out. Come to a compromise. When both of you understand why, and are willing to be together, there is always a way; you know, where there’s a will, there’s a way…

Have the conversation. It cannot hurt. Well, it could hurt, if it goes terribly wrong, so allow them their feelings and respect them, within reason, of course, and go from there, learning more and more about your adult children, and in the end, yourself.

Happy approaching Holidays